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From No Place For Magic...
The Lost Chapter
If the troll queen hadn’t been so awful I might have felt sorry enough for her to help her find someone else to marry, but she was mean and nasty and I wouldn’t want to inflict her on anyone I knew, unless… The most wonderful idea popped into my head and the more I thought about it the more I liked it. If the troll queen really wanted a husband, I knew someone who would be perfect for her. He would be just what she wanted and she would be just what he deserved.
The troll queen was preparing to bash down the door with her clubs when I found her. Rather than have another door to fix, I asked Haywood to remove his spell and open the door for her. Everyone else stayed behind while I followed the troll queen outside.
“What do you want?” Fatlippia snapped at me as the queen’s trolls assembled behind her. I was still a dragon, so they were all careful to keep their distance.
I made myself comfortable on the paving stones, and wrapped my tail around me. “Just because you can’t marry Eadric or Bradston doesn’t mean that you can’t marry anyone,” I said. “I happen to know an available prince who would be just right for you. You’ve already met him. It’s that young man who came to see you in the magic mirror. Do you think he would do?”
Grunella’s eyes lit up.
“Would he ever!” said Tizzy.
“How would we find him?” asked Ingabinga. “We don’t know where he lives.”
“But I do,” I replied.
“I don’t know...” said Fatlippia.
Tizzy stuck out her lower lip. “It’s not fair. We always do everything your way.” Grunella nodded. “We’re going, whether you want to or not!”
Fatlippia seemed surprised by their vehemence. “Oh, very well,” she said. “I suppose he would be alright.”
The queen’s other three heads cheered. Following their lead, the troll army shouted and stomped their feet even though they had no idea what was going on.
When the ruckus died down, Fatlippia turned to me. “What did you have in mind?”
“That’s up to you. If you let me, I’ll take you to his kingdom and help you find him. Between the two of us, I doubt he’ll be able to resist your charms.”
Fatlippia almost smiled, but then she thought of something and her eyebrows drew together in a fierce scowl. “My army has to go, too. I’m not walking into some trap you’ve concocted.”
“That’s fine with me,” I said, “but I don’t have a lot of time. This is my wedding day, you know. So, if you don’t mind, with your cooperation and the help of some of my friends, I should be able to use a little magic to get us there.”
“What kind of magic?” she asked, her scowl deepening.
While the troll queen waited in the courtyard, I asked my grandmother to bring me a light and airy bubble. Then I sent Grassina and Haywood to fetch wood from the forest at the base of the mountain. After dispelling the false dragon image, I told Eadric what I was up to and asked him to find a handle of some sort that I could wrap my tail around. The last to return were the witches from the retirement community who I’d sent to the mountain-top to gather some ice. When everyone had what I’d asked for, I had them bring it to the courtyard where I was ready to say my spell.
A wooden frame to give it strength
A bubble’s breath for floating
Slippery ice to help it glide
A knob for easy toting.
Turn all these things into a raft
That’s strong as I can make it
I want it to float in the air
Wherever I should take it.
When I finished speaking, the pieces flew together in a whirlwind of rough-hewn lumber, sparkling ice, an old wooden knob and a fist-sized bubble. Although it looked clunky, the raft was light and strong and big enough that it could have supported the troll army two times over.
“How do I know it’s safe?” the troll queen asked when I told her that it was ready.
I shrugged and the last rays of the setting sun flashed off my scaly green shoulders. “You’ll just have to trust me. Besides, we won’t go very high. You and your army could jump off any time you want to. I’ve seen how good you are at jumping.”
Fatlippia still looked skeptical, but the rest of her heads seemed pleased, as if they rarely received compliments. At the urging of all four heads, the troll army lumbered onto the raft. Although some of the trolls refused to board at first, even they climbed on when their friends called them cowards, one of the worst insults for any self-respecting troll.
When everyone was ready, I wrapped the end of my tail around the knob and beat my wings. The raft floated easily behind me, and the nervous shouting of the trolls soon gave way to cries of wonder as we left the mountains and skimmed the tops of the tallest trees, heading for East Aridia.
If it had been daylight it would have been easy to see the slow-moving River Sludge that divided Upper Montevista from East Aridia. It was harder to see in the dark, however, so I had to watch for the moonlight reflecting off the ribbon of water and almost missed it when clouds passed overhead. Although I’d never flown that way before, I knew that the landscape on both sides of the river would look different, if only we could see it. The predominant color on the Upper Montivistan side would be green from the lush forests that spread all the way to the mountains. The pale tan of the desert would be the main color on the East Aridian side.
I knew that the royal palace was located in the city of Razeen, but I had only a vague idea where that was located. The land was so flat, however, that I could see for miles and spotted the spires of the castle from a long way out. As we flew over the desert, going fast and low so we’d be harder to see, I could hear the trolls mounting excitement. Without some sort of cover to protect them from sunlight, they could never have reached that far into the desert on their own. I was taking them somewhere no troll had ever gone before.
The royal family of East Aridia was known for being ostentatious in an effort to impress people, so I wasn’t surprised when I saw that the castle was huge. I’d heard that the enormous courtyard had been paved in a mosaic picture of Jorge’s great grandfather, King Friedland, but it was still dark when we arrived so we couldn’t really make it out. Fortunately for us, there was plenty of room for my raft.
There were only a few torches lit in the castle when we landed in the courtyard, but Jorge’s father, King Beltran, had trained his troops well. As the trolls poured off the raft, the guards sounded the alarm and only minutes later the courtyard was a seething mass of trolls fighting with the brown-garbed soldiers of East Aridia. There weren’t as many soldiers as I’d expected, however, and I found out why when the troll queen and I broke down a door and cornered the castle steward.
“Where are King Beltran and Prince Jorge?” I demanded of the poor quivering man.
“The king isn’t here,” the steward said, kneading his hands. “He left three days ago for his castle in the south taking most of his army with him. Prince Jorge isn’t here either.”
“Did the prince go with his father?” asked Fatlippia. “You know I’ll rip you apart if you lie to me.”
The man wet his lips and glanced at her, then as quickly looked away. I’d almost gotten used to her multiple heads and had forgotten how frightening she looked at first glance. “I… I… Yes, I’m sure you would,” he stammered. “I’m not lying. The prince left along with that wizard of his. They went through the back gate.”
“How long ago?” I asked.
“As soon as he heard that there were trolls in the courtyard. They put on peasant clothes and fled out the kitchen door. The baker saw them go.”
“Then they shouldn’t be hard to catch,” I said.
“I’ll find them,” said Fatlippia. “Just give me a piece of his clothing and show me to the kitchen.”
The steward sent a servant to fetch something of the prince’s, telling him to meet us in the kitchen. As we were hustled through the castle, we could hear the sound of fighting behind us.
Although the steward’s hands shook and his voice quavered when he spoke, he took us to the kitchen himself. He apologized each time we reached a narrow hallway or low ceiling as if our discomfort was something he actually regretted. I was too large for most of the doorways, but I squeezed through without saying a word. The troll queen’s heads growled and swore whenever they bumped against a wall or doorframe, making the steward blanch and walk that much faster.
Dawn was still a few hours away, yet the baker and his assistant had already mixed the bread dough for the day and were setting it out to rise. I couldn’t blame them for dashing from the room when they saw us; the troll queen and I did make a scary looking pair. We were there only a moment when the servant arrived at the doorway, reluctant to come any closer. Without taking his eyes off us, he handed the steward a soiled tunic, then whirled and fled the room.
Taking the tunic from the steward, the troll queen held it to her noses while they each take a good, deep sniff. After wadding the tunic into a ball, Tizzy said, “This way,” and headed for a door at the back of the kitchen.
The door opened into a narrow passage that let out into a smaller courtyard. No one bothered us as we crossed the open expanse, nor when we trotted through a gate that had been left open, probably when the trolls arrived. We had entered the city, still asleep except for the few early risers and those who had yet to go to bed. The streets we took were dark, the only people we saw either seemed unaware that we were there or ran the moment they noticed us.
Although the other three heads sometimes lost the scent, Tizzy always kept us on course. She never had to sniff the tunic again, nor did she want to stop and sniff around like the other three said they did. When they complained that they must have gone the wrong way and that they had to go back, Tizzy would insist that they keep on going and the other three soon picked up the scent again.
The streets of Razeen were so narrow and winding that it would have been easy to get lost without Tizzy to guide us. I saw more than one tavern called The Desiccated Duck, and the inns all seemed to be named King Friedland’s Comfort. When we finally reached the city gate, the guards ran down the stairs of the tower ready to fight us, but the troll queen started spinning her clubs and I puffed a small flame and the guards ran off, tripping over their own feet in their hurry to get away. Whatever training the soldiers at the castle had received must not have extended to the city guards.
I suppose I could have carried the troll queen over the wall, but neither of us trusted the other enough to get that close. With no one there to open the gate, it was up to us to find the means. The mechanism was complicated, however, and we were ready to use magic or force when we finally figured it out.
“This way,” said Tizzy leading the way into the dessert.
We hadn’t gone far before all four heads became excited. “We’re getting close!” said Grunella.
I nearly bumped into the troll queen when she stopped suddenly at the edge of a small sand dune. I thought it odd that two lengths of reed like one might find along a river bank stuck straight up out of the sand.
All four heads were smiling when the troll queen reached down and pulled up the man buried under a shallow layer of sand. Jorge didn’t seem very princely with a dirt-smeared face and sand dribbling from his blond hair, but I would have recognized him anywhere. He yelped as she set him on his feet. When he tried to run away, she grabbed him with one hand and slapped the dust off him with the other.
“Stop that!” cried Jorge. “Don’t you know who I am?”
“Course we know,” said Ingabinga. “That’s why we’re being so gentle.”
“That’s good enough,” said Grunella. “Now sit down and stay there.” The troll queen pointed at the ground and let him go.
When Jorge didn’t move quickly enough to suit her, Fatlippia ground her teeth and snarled. Jorge’s face went ashen. Shuddering, he slumped to the ground and bent his head, covering his face with his hands. His shoulders shook and I heard him say, “She wasn’t supposed to find me! Stupid wizard promised she couldn’t trace me through his mirror. It’s all your fault,” he shouted at the sand dune.
“Get out of there,” Grunella said to the other straw. Although the sand quivered, no one emerged, so she kicked it and Olebald shot out, his mouth working soundlessly.
“Do something, you stupid wizard!” shouted Jorge.
“Watch out,” I said. “The old man’s going to recite a spell.”
The troll queen was ready for him, however. Tearing a length off the tunic, she stuffed part in his mouth and used the rest to tie his hands behind him. Olebald shook his head and twisted his hands to free them, but the troll queen’s knots were too strong.
Jorge glared at the wizard. “You and your magic! I always get into trouble when I listen to you! ‘We’ll send the trolls after them,’ you said. ‘No one will know that we were involved,’ you said.”
“Mmph,” grumbled Olebald.
“Quiet!” bellowed Fatlippia. When the two men shrank back, she turned to her other heads. “So, what do you think? Is he what you wanted?”
“I think he’s dreamy!” said Tizzy. “And I really like his hair. I wish I had hair like that.”
Ingabinga flared her nostrils. “I like mine better. And his feet are too small.”
“So is his nose, but we can’t have everything,” said Grunella. “He’ll do just fine.”
“Good,” said Fatlippia. “Now we can get married.”
Cursing, Prince Jorge jumped up and started to run. I took two steps and knocked him to the ground. He lay there sobbing while the troll queen tied his hands behind his back, and used the last of the shredded tunic to tie his ankles together. “Stand up,” she said, pulling on his arm.
It was still dark, so Jorge probably hadn’t seen me yet, but when the troll queen turned him around he must have realized that a dragon was there as well. The prince tried to run again, falling heavily to his knees when his hobbled ankles wouldn’t let him.
Grunella sighed and left him where he lay. “Now answer when we tell you to,” said Fatlippia. “Grunella, you ask the questions. You’re better at that kind of thing than I am.”
“Are you sure?” asked Grunella. “I thought you’d like to do it.”
“If you two are going to argue about it, I’ll do it!” said Ingabinga. “I’d do a better job anyway. What did you say his name was?” she asked, turning to me.
“He’s Prince Jorge,” I said. “He’s the crown prince and sole heir to King Beltran, the ruler of East Aridia.”
“Really?” said Ingabinga. “Then I’ll be Queen Ingabinga of East Aridia. I like the sound of that.”
Prince Jorge cried all the louder while Olebald snickered.
“If you’re going to do it, hurry up and get started,” said Fatlippia. “The sun will be up before you know it.”
“Oh, right. Do you, Prince Jorge, take us, the troll queen, to be your lawfully wedded wife?” said Ingabinga. “To listen to, obey and do whatever we say from this instant until you die? To give us anything we ask for and dedicate the rest of your life to trying to make us happy?”
Jorge moaned and shook his head. “I wouldn’t marry you, you stupid cow, if my life depended on it.”
“Oh!” gasped Tizzy. “What a horrible thing to say! I was sure we’d be so happy together!” Big tears trickled down her pudgy cheeks, leaving tracks in the desert dust coating her skin.
“Let me handle this,” said Fatlippia. Reaching down, she grabbed Prince Jorge by the throat and shook him until his teeth rattled. “You hurt the feelings of one of my other heads. You apologize and say that of course you want to marry us or I’ll rip your head off.”
“I’ll never…” he gasped. Fatlippia snarled and began to squeeze and pull at the same time. “All right!” squeaked the prince. “I’m sorry and I’ll marry you!”
“Goody!” said Tizzy, clapping her hands.
“Not so fast,” said Fatlippia. “Do you also promise to do all those things Ingabinga said about obeying and making us happy?” I could see the tendons in her wrist as she squeezed his throat again.
“I do!” he gasped and she immediately let go.
“Then by the power invested in us by us, we now pronounce us husband and wife!” Ingabinga said triumphantly.
While Tizzy clapped her hands again and Ingabinga and Grunella cheered, Fatlippia smiled from ear to ear. “Congratulations,” I said. “Thank you,” all four heads said together.
“We really do owe you our thanks,” said Grunella. “This prince is so much better than either of the other ones. It would have taken too long to beat the attitude out of the boy. And if Eadric can turn into a dragon, well, forget him!”
“Did you say Eadric?” asked Jorge, rubbing his throat.
I let a trickle of smoke filter from my nostrils. “Yes, she did,” I said. “And I married him today. Don’t tell me that you didn’t recognize me, Jorge. I’m Emma, the princess you used to laugh at.”
Jorge began to sputter.
“I need to go now,” I told the troll queen. “My husband is waiting for me.”
“We need to go, too,” Grunella said, glancing up at the sky. “I’d like to introduce my new husband to our army. And after that he can show us around our castle.”
“What fun!” said Tizzy. “I love having a castle!”
After saying my farewells, I leaped into the air and beat my wings, letting them carry me back over the castle where the fighting was still going on. The sun was just coming up when I crossed over the river Sludge, and saw the mountains of Upper Montevista. Although it wasn’t anything like Greater Greensward, it was a beautiful country with a lot to recommend it. As far as I was concerned, however, the best thing about it was Eadric.
Tales of E.D. Baker
Tales of E.D. Baker
Tales of E.D. Baker
