Creation of the
Greater Greensward Gazette
- by Princess Emma
To the people of Greater Greensward –
While repeating for the hundredth time the story of how Eadric and I dealt with the latest group of sea monsters to attack the town of Chancewold, it occurred to me that the one thing Greater Greensward lacks is a way to let everyone know what the royal family is doing and what is going on in our kingdom. To this end, I have decreed the creation of a gazette and have asked the learned gnome, Oakley Treekin to be its editor. The Greater Greensward Gazette will be distributed twice a month to each town and village in Greater Greensward. It will cover news regarding the safety of the kingdom as well as important tips and issues that concern us all. I myself will contribute to the gazette whenever I have information worth imparting. Anyone who feels that he has news that should be brought to everyone’s attention may contact Master Treekin through the royal castle. Because Eadric and I will soon be leaving on our long-delayed honeymoon, I have asked my aunt, Grassina, to watch over the kingdom as well as assist in the first issue of the gazette during my absence. Please assist her in these tasks in whatever way possible. I’ll be taking a tour of the kingdom when I return. See you then!
Scary Things in the Enchanted Forest
- by John Huntsman
John Huntsman the Royal Huntsman here. Princess Emma told me that I’m supposed to report anything unusual in this gazette now – just so everyone knows what’s out there and can do the necessary to stay safe. Anyway, I was out hunting near the enchanted forest yesterday when I heard this awful shrieking and cackling. Fair near made the hair on my head stand on end, and as all my friends know, I don’t scare easy. Then this terrible stench near knocked me over and I knew right away what was out there. I slipped into the forest just before the flock of harpies passed by, dripping things that shouldn’t be dripped and losing feathers that stunk even after the bird women with their hag faces were long gone. It was enough to make a strong man lose his breakfast, lunch and supper. When I could get my feet to hold me, I took off after them to see where they were going. I lost them when they crossed over the river, but it looked like they were headed toward the town of Spud. All you Spudians, if you’re still trying to live in your old cottages, sorry to hear it. Those monsters always leave behind a putrid mess that nothing can clean up. Anyway, I went back to the castle and reported it to the captain of the guard. He said he would tell Princess Grassina and that’s who I should talk to next time, at least until Princess Emma gets back. I hope there isn’t a next time. I sure do hate harpies!
Princess Emma and Prince Eadric depart
on their Honeymoon
- by the Princess Grassina
Princess Emma and her husband of four months, Prince Eadric, have finally gone on their much-delayed honeymoon. They are taking a whirlwind trip through the southern kingdoms and plan to spend a week each at Tottlesby-on-the-Sea, Lower Seareach, and Spurgensburgen. The whirlwind was a wedding gift from the two witches, Klorine and Ratinki. “We bought it at the Magic Marketplace,” Klorine informed me.
“You didn’t need to tell her that!” said her friend, Ratinki, before turning to me. “But it wasn’t cheap. We got the extra big bottle with the stronger wind so they could go on an extra long trip.”
My niece and her husband are due back from their honeymoon before the start of the winter festivities. In the meantime, if anyone has any problems of a magical nature, leave a note for me at Cottage-by-the-Sea. After I investigate the harpy sighting, I will return to my cottage as soon as possible.
Injured Unicorn found in Forest
- by John Huntsman
John Huntsman the Royal Huntsman here. I wasn’t going to mention this, but I figured I should because it was unusual, and I’m supposed to write about such things in this gazette we’ve got going here. I was on my way back to the castle when I saw something shiny in a pile of fallen leaves. I thought at first that someone might have dropped a coin or hunting knife, so I bent down to look and landed on my backside when a unicorn snorted at me. The shiny thing was the unicorn’s horn, and I thought it was about to skewer me until the beast closed its eyes and groaned. I’d never seen an injured unicorn before. Heck, I didn’t even know it was injured until it didn’t get up for a minute or two. Well, I brushed those leaves away and saw that something had hurt the unicorn – maybe the harpies. There was blood everywhere, so I knew it was hurt bad. I hated to leave him, he was so weak he wouldn’t have been able to protect himself from a crazed rabbit, let alone something mean, but I knew I couldn’t haul him out of there by myself. I went and fetched a woodcutter I know and together we got the unicorn to the castle. I figured the stable master could take care of him. He’s real good with all sorts of beasts. It’s a real shame about the unicorn. I hope he’ll be alright.
The 3 Rules of Handling Unicorns
– by Bob Stableman
When caring for unicorns a person or beast must remember 3 things.
1. Never put a unicorn in a stable.
2. Always keep a fair maiden nearby.
3. Keep a list of jokes in your back pocket.
Rule number one is easy enough to follow. First off- most unicorns won’t let you lead them just anywhere. In most cases you have to allow them to believe that it was their idea to go wherever it is that you want them to go. If you try to force a unicorn to go where it doesn’t want to, it will get mad. (I’ll tell you about angry unicorns later). Also, a unicorn won’t normally go into a stable, as their horn makes it difficult for him or her to move around. Rule number two is my favorite. A fair and gentle Maiden is the only one who can handle a unicorn. The fairer the Maiden the easier it will be to do whatever it is that needs doing when it comes to unicorns. I don’t rightly know why unicorns will do whatever a fair maiden asks, but I know if a fair maiden regarded me like she did the unicorn, I’d do whatever she wanted me to. So I guess you can say the Rule # 2 works on Stable Masters as well. Rule number three is a doozey. Unicorns have very odd sense of humor. They love to tell jokes. Only problem is, if they start telling jokes then they expect to hear jokes told back to them. If you’re caught unawares without a joke to tell, the unicorn will get mad. Have you ever dealt with a mad unicorn? I have and it makes me shake in my boots just thinking about it. Angry unicorns can send a fellow flying into next week with one good kick (and then you’ve lost a week and don’t know what happened). If they don’t kick you, they might skewer you with their horn. And if they don’t do that, they might spit. Unicorn spit is nothing to laugh about; if it lands on your skin it could send you into a slumber that lasts 100 years. (The length of time of you slumber depends on the age of the unicorn, the older he is the longer you’ll sleep). Personally, I’ll just keep those jokes in my pocket and a fair maiden nearby and I’ll be ready for anything.
Update on the Injured Unicorn
- by Bob Stableman
John Huntsman brought me an injured unicorn yesterday. The poor beasty was unconscious when he got to the castle. We put him in the jousting arena so he wouldn’t feel trapped, like he might in the box stalls in the stable. Princess Grassina came down when she heard he was here and helped me and my fair maiden Saffronica wake him up. We had to feed him oats dusted with beetle-berries and five leaf clovers. We patched up his flank where the harpies had gotten him. He should be healed up and telling jokes in no time flat. Saffronica got his name for me. It’s Duncan the Daring. He prefers big “D” though so if you happen by the jousting arena and see him grazing be sure to have a joke or a maiden handy.
The Armour Crest-
This crest is the official seal of The Greater Greensward Gazzette. If this seal is affixed to the Gazzette, it is an original copy and not an imitation!
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